I’m not drunk, per se, but I have been drinking.  I have been drinking coffee and red wine.  And I have not slept in a while.  Don’t really remember how long.

I wrote some this morning, and then decided it was high time I watched Caddyshack.  So that is what I am doing now.

I need to write more on this blog.  I guess I just haven’t been getting drunk enough lately.  I want to change that.

I wrote a letter to my dear friend Grace today.  I need to find her address so I may send it.

It’s beautiful having nothing much to say and every reason to say it.  Maybe later I’ll have more nothing much to say.

Currently listening to Hombre Lobo, Eels’ new album - hence the title.

So, drunkeness.  I have indeed been intoxicated since I last posted here, but unfortunately, such drunks were not recorded due to the various drunken nighttime activities in which I was participating.

Last week, I was in Wisconsin, watching my best friend graduate, and I had an amazing time.  Appleton, Wisconsin is quite the amazing place to go, if you’ve never been.  Great small-town life, complete with quaint coffee shops, interesting bars, tons of amazing people.  I had so much fun.  I drank several Wisconsin micro-brewed beers, which was quite exciting.

But now I’m back, and I’m going to take it easy for a while longer before moving to Tuscaloosa, Alabama for some fantastic times with friends and beer.  I am very excited.

I am also, currently, very tired.  So, I am going to cut this post short.  Ben is so much better at being both verbose and inebriated.  Congratulations, Ben.  I guess I just don’t have the strength of will that you do.

I ate tofu tonight.  Delicious.  I also drank the rest of the alcohol available to me in my house.  Still not too drunk.  And I wish I was.  I wish I was drunk enough to not think abou the things my brain sometimes wishes I thought about.  But I do.  I still think about not getting anywhere in life.  I still think about being a fucking alcoholic for the rest of my fucking life.  But there it is.

I am going to eat and drink more.  On Wednesday, I am going to Wisconsin to see my best friend graduate.  And after that, maybe, I will figure out what to do with my life.

My friend Ben and I decided, a few months ago, to create so-called “Drunk Blogs”: blogs we only update while moderately to thoroughly intoxicated.  At the moment, I am moderately intoxicated, sitting in a bedroom in my parent’s house, drinking cheap Chardonnay from a plastic cup, having recently graduated college, wondering what the fuck has become of my life.  Why is this happening?  You probably don’t care, but alas, I do.  So I will try to find some kind of explanation, out loud, on-line, for myself - and I shall egotistically post it on the interwebs for all to see, even if noone wants to.

I used to have more ambitions.  I used to kind of know where my life was headed.  I had plans.  I never planned on graduating college with a now-seemingly-useless degree and staying with my parents while I do nothing but watch anime all day.  I was going to go to grad school.  I was going to get my Ph.D.  I was going to become a world-renowned author, or poet, or screenwriter.  I was going to get married and have two beautiful adopted children and have a house I designed myself with a library for my amazing book collection.  I was going to teach classes at a highly-regarded University, and my students were going to love me, and I was going to love me.  Now I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow, let alone for the rest of my life.

I am hung up, here - and I mean here in far too many ways.  I am emotionally connected to so many pieces of this state (and I mean state in far too many ways) that I cannot bring myself to leave.  I have so many opportunities to do something with my life, but I am unwilling even to consider making a commitment that will take me away from here, because I am afraid of what will happen.  I am afraid of what will happen if I leave my comfort zone, leave my friends.  There are so many people I love here.

And, fuck, in the middle of my depressing drunk rant, I made myself even more sad then when (and why) I started to drink to begin with.  And while originally I was planning on making an amazing, beautiful point that would validate my entire existence, now I just find myself alone, and contemplating the headache I will most likely bear in the morning.

With that, I suppose, I will end this ridiculous post, and return the next time I am fucked up enough to decide to write anything here.  Let’s hope, for all our sakes, it is soon.